The female reporters at the Herald have been watching Cheryl Fernandez-Versini’s tummy with quivering anticipation. And now we can exclusively reveal that 33-year-old Cheryl, is both PREGNANT and NOT PREGNANT.

The serial bride has been dating a younger man since February, and the media has been speculating about a pregnancy ever since.

These rumours weren’t helped when Cheryl appeared on an advert with her face. One superfan told us “Her face has given it away. She’s definitely pregnant because she has eyes, a nose and a mouth and great hair. I’m so happy for her!”

There was further excitement after a photo appeared of her on the red carpet with clothes on. Cheryl was wearing a pink dress, which confirmed to many that she’s secretly saying she’s pregnant with a baby daughter. In fact, Cheryl wears clothes all of the time, which hasn’t helped the media frenzy, because pregnant women also regularly wear clothes.

Following this exciting development we can also exclusively confirm that Cheryl is definitely not pregnant, is too thin and looks very unhealthy.

Our resident Agony Aunt, and all round shambles, had this to say:

“Cheryl has had a rocky few years. She’s been in and out of relationships with utter arseholes for more than a decade. This yo-yoing has had a detrimental effect on her health.

“Now that she’s pregnant she will need to increase her calorie intake in order to ensure her baby thrives. She should be eating lots of pâté, shellfish, nuts, raw egg white and food containing high levels of caffeine.

“Another thing to consider is the fact that she’s not pregnant and she’s therefore unhealthily thin. In which case she should be eating celery, boiled rice, and drinking slim fast milkshakes.

“If she doesn’t do either of these things, the media will run out of bullshit to print about her, which would be devastating to all the people who aren’t involved in her life. This will result in thousands of people having to mind their own business, or worse still, having to begin speculation that Katie Price is pregnant instead”.

Cheryl has recently posted on Instagram saying that she’s fed up with the media body shaming her. She’s denied rumours of poor health and implored her supporters not to buy into any of the articles about her weight and her ongoing pregnancy.

Cheryl has now been pregnant, according to the media, for more than three years, which is even longer than an elephant’s pregnancy.

We at the Herald completely agree that Cheryl should be left alone to be both pregnant, and not pregnant all at once. We will update you regularly on her non-existent baby bump, all the while criticising her for being painfully thin.