The RMT and Southern Rail have finally called an end to hostilities and announced, to the dismay of passengers, that normal services will resume on Monday.

The dispute over who will open and close the doors on late trains which led to a dismal five day strike last week is now officially over. RMT leader Mick Cash told us;

“Southern Rail wanted drivers to open and close the train doors, which technically they can do because there’s a button in the cab, but if they did that what would our conductors do other than make tea, and besides, there’s a tea person to do that.”

Negotiations ground to a complete halt with neither side prepared to make any concessions whatsoever over who should ultimately have responsibility for the doors.

“It seemed the fairest course of action to take really,” Charles Horton, the CEO of the most dismal train operator in the UK told us” now that nobody is opening or closing the doors on trains they’ll run on time and won’t be so crowded. In fact it’ll just be the conductor, the driver and the lady with the tea trolley. Much more comfortable.”

When we asked both Mick and Charles how commuters were supposed to get on the trains if nobody opened the doors they both said “who?”

Despite their utterly dismal record Southern will be raising the price of a season ticket another £40 in 2017.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.