As the smokescreen around Donald Trump’s draft dodging tactics intensifies The Rochdale Herald has uncovered startling new evidence.

The story currently being spun is that Trump had a poorly foot which was sore enough to prevent him serving in the military, but not sore enough to prevent him from walking around doing stuff like partying at Wharton College in Pennsylvania or playing American Football and Baseball.

New evidence has emerged that Donald Trump was refused entry into the Marine Corps as his hands were too small to hold a gun. The M16 Carbine is currently the weapon of choice of 12 year old child soldiers in Syria and many war torn parts of Africa and Donald’s stumpy little fingers couldn’t reach the trigger, thank goodness.

Trump was said to be gutted at the time having spent many years of playing soldier as a child at the New York Military Academy where, in 1963, he was deemed unfit to be in charge of fellow children after hazing them, a posh word for torturing them, in the basement. One child was beaten with a heavy chain apparently prompting the resignation of the Principle, but we’re not sure if Donald knows anything about that.

Donald “Baby Hands” Trump was awarded a pretend Purple Heart for his pretend military service earlier this year.

 

SHARE
Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.