Following the UK release of Pokemon Go ten days ago, several prominent spokespersons for leading UK religious organisations have spoken out, condemning the game as being opposed to the basic tenets of their religion.
Both spokesmen consider the game Satanic, and as such apostacy to their religion, citing its themes of ‘evolving’ creatures according to the bizarre principles of the as-yet-unproven and totally hypothetical Darwinist theory as damaging to the impressionable minds among their theological creed. What is perhaps more surprising is that spokesmen for the Church of Satan themselves have now spoken out against the game for representing what they see as ‘an erosion of decent, traditional values’.
We spoke to Adramelech Baphomet (nee Julian Sutcliffe), head of the Middleton branch of the Unified Church of Satan, who informed us IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE HERALD in no uncertain terms as to the official standpoint of his church:
“Pokemon Go, as far as the Church of Satan is concerned, represents the downfall of Western civilisation as we know it. What many people don’t know or appreciate about us is that at our basic fundament, we are a deeply traditional movement that hold traditional values very closely to our hearts. One of the things about modern youth culture that we really can’t abide is bad language; some of the foul language associated with these games is just shocking, and letting young people play these games without adult supervision is just anathema to us. As an example, some of the Pokemon have really filthy names, like Wankotron, Splooge Monkey, Fart and Nipple Clamp Spandex Jizzmeister Blapp 3000. As if that wasn’t bad enough, some of the general language in the game is just abhorent; my eight year old son Tarquin is only level four and he tried joining a gym. That professor told him to go and ‘eff’ himself with pineapple… sideways! ‘Don’t come back till you’re level five, you little tw*t!’ he told him. What kind of message is that to be sending out to a seven year old? I mean eight. An eight year old”. “Schemhamforash!”, he added.
“The whole thing is just disruptive to our general way of life” said Rosemary S’babie, 36, High Priestess of Rochdale’s Pentagrammatist Church of Latter Day Satanists. We were performing Black Mass the other day, and we had to stop the whole thing right at the ‘symbolic’ virgin sacrifice because Nigel had found a Blastoise. It was ridiculous. I’m thinking of joining the Christians, I bet they don’t have to put up with this fu*cking sh*t.”
