Following years of swingeing corner cutting, government officials anticipate further public outrage and blame as fallout from the Grenfell catastrophe.

Luckily a magic money tree has been found to pay for the protective cladding to protect the government from inevitable attack. Unlike the panels lining the Grenfell tower, these ones will not be pretty.

No expense will be spared this time. The panels are said to consist of a hard outer casing of empty platitudes, with PR bods busy trying to say “lessons will be learned” in novel ways.

One favoured catchphrase is thought to be “enough is enough”, recycled from the hollow rhetoric following the London terror attack.

Behind that will be a filling of top legal experts with the fire resistance of a blast furnace wall, none of your semi-fireproofed nonsense this time.

They will be in place to distance the government from any decisions made by desperately cash starved local housing associations.

Furthermore it is anticipated a policy will be announced to further decentralise power to local bodies and continue to choke off funding to abdicate responsibility from Westminster. This will be hailed as a flagship policy giving power to the people.

Council officers have been issued with safety advice in the event of having another baying mob of bothersome mourners outside their offices with megaphones.

They are being told to lock themselves in their rooms with the door shut and wait for the police to turn up and beat out the conflagration. The infamous Boris water cannons will be employed as water sprinklers to quash any stubborn inflamed groups of upset people.

Meanwhile, the homeless victims of the fire are still awaiting confirmation that the original promise to house them in the borough will be upheld, especially after the promise was watered down to “wherever possible” the following day. Until then they will continue relying solely upon the generosity of strangers and having to grieve in public on national TV.

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