Conservative plans to abolish the Serious Fraud Office has absolutely nothing to do with the investigations into rich Conservative supporters,said a spokesgrunt for the party today.

Current investigations into the alleged attempts to rig Libor rates by the Bank of England, whether or not Barclays did dodgy dealings with Qatar during the banking crisis and various allegations against GlaxoSmithKline- all of which are expected to take years- are apparently merely coincidental.

“Listen, I know on the face of it it looks like we are helping out our rich buddies, ” said Eustace Barclay-SmithKline, “but we are actually just merging the SFO with that nice National Crime Agency thing that we just happen to have much more control over.”

So, the very new NCA must have proven itself very effective if the Conservative manifesto says it will absorb the SFO, yes?

“Er… well, Jeremy Corbyn is scruffy and the fact that he supported the United Ireland cause years ago means he is an IRA sympathising commie!”

Is that relevant to…

“He has a beard for God’s sake!”

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.