Local man, Kelvin Pastie, 31, an unemployed something or the other, believes he is one of the only people in the world to believe every conspiracy theory going. 

Kelvin lives with his mum, Brenda, and his bedroom is a shrine to hundreds of conspiracies, from JFK’s assassination to Michelle Obama’s sex change.

“I started when I was still at school when Scott Hardnutt told me that the geography teacher was actually an MI5 agent. That year was of course the year of 9/11 and suddenly it all made sense.” He noticed my bemused look.

“Of course we didn’t have access to research like we get on YouTube now, where we get instant evidence that gravity is a hoax perp-, pepert-, pupet-, told by NASA and Bilderbezub. Same with the globe earth lies.”

I asked if he believed the earth was flat. “Of course, we were indoc-, er’ taught it was round but why doesn’t the water fall off?” I said that science had proven that it was round but he just put his hands over his ears and chanted, “Globetard! Globetard!” until his mum gave him his teddy.

When he’d calmed down we went through the list I’d brought with me. Chemtrails, vaccines, GMOs, big pharma, giant lizard rulers, Freemasons, Rothschild – check, they were all there. Any others? “Evolution, paedophile Hillary Clinton, the holocaust, Asian corner shops, mutated spiders, Danny Dyer, Eurovision Song Contest…”

I caught his mother’s sad eye. She tilted her head towards the door. I nodded and slipped away as Kelvin continued.

“Bryan Adams, the Pope, Antarctica, my daddy and his best friend…

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