Giant brain-sucking aliens from the R33-Delta 1 Q’Luurfb system have put back their planned invasion of the planet Earth we can exclusively reveal today.
The green, eight-fingered, slimy Q’Luurfbians had planned to invade this coming Tuesday, raining down fire and destruction on the planet and enslaving all mankind in what would have been the single greatest power shift in galactic history.
“Well it was all going well, I thought,” said Q’Luurfbian leader Gilbert DeVert Jnr, “but then I got to watching the news and I knew we had to postpone the whole shebang and claim on our insurance for the curtailment.”
The reasons for this change of seven-chambered heart was simple:
“We feed on brains. The intelligence within our are most requisite nutrient. But I noticed whilst watching your news shows that the most pressing issues perplexing humans at the moment are whether or not people should wear leggings on aeroplanes, Freeserve emails being scrapped years after Freeserve ceased to exist, whether or not a man had to be instructed via something call Whatsapp on how to aim an automobile, and a general election with a forgone conclusion. Now that might not be conclusive proof that were going to starve if we move to Earth but given that billions of you think there’s a magic bloke controlling you, billions more think a subtly different magic vloke is controlling you, millions don’t even believe that your planet is round- it’s a froxxing planet for Zibuxifrung’s sake; clue’s in the froxxing name- and you regularly decide to hate whole groups of people based on the rantings printed in newspapers that we Q’Luurfbians wouldn’t line a Grumphicohinxerull’s cage with, I think maybe we’ll give it a miss.”
However the invasion has not been cancelled altogether, says Gilbert, and will still take place at some point in the future.
“Oh yeah, we still want your planet-your ROUND planet- but we’ve realised that if we just wait for about a hundred and fifty years or so we can just take it without any effort. By then you humans will all be gone, the weather will be more like our turbulent homeword and the actual intelligent creatures that live on your planet will have had time to recover their populations enough to give us a steady food supply. I’m partial to a bit of dolphin liver and the wife likes those white mice you have.”
Theresa May, Donald trump and that German woman with the stern head were unavailable for comment as we went to press.Giant brain-sucking aliens from the R33-Delta 1 Q’Luurfb system have put back their planned invasion of the planet Earth we can exclusively reveal today.
The green, eight-fingered, slimy Q’Luurfbians had planned to invade this coming Tuesday, raining down fire and destruction on the planet and enslaving all mankind in what would have been the single greatest power shift in galactic history.
“Well it was all going well, I thought,” said Q’Luurfbian leader Gilbert DeVert Jnr, “but then I got to watching the news and I knew we had to postpone the whole shebang and claim on our insurance for the curtailment.”
The reasons for this change of seven-chambered heart was simple:
“We feed on brains. The intelligence within our are most requisite nutrient. But I noticed whilst watching your news shows that the most pressing issues perplexing humans at the moment are whether or not people should wear leggings on aeroplanes, Freeserve emails being scrapped years after Freeserve ceased to exist, and whether or not a man had to be instructed via something call Whatsapp on how to aim an automobile. Now that might not be conclusive proof that were going to starve if we move to Earth but given that billions of you think there’s a magic bloke controlling you, billions more think a subtly different magic vloke is controlling you, millions don’t even believe that your planet is round- it’s a froxxing planet for Zibuxifrung’s sake; clue’s in the froxxing name- and you regularly decide to hate whole groups of people based on the rantings printed in newspapers that we Q’Luurfbians wouldn’t line a Grumphicohinxerull’s cage with, I think maybe we’ll give it a miss.”
However the invasion has not been cancelled altogether, says Gilbert, and will still take place at some point in the future.
“Oh yeah, we still want your planet-your ROUND planet- but we’ve realised that if we just wait for about a hundred and fifty years or so we can just take it without any effort. By then you humans will all be gone, the weather will be more like our turbulent homeworld and the actual intelligent creatures that live on your planet will have had time to recover their populations enough to give us a steady food supply. I’m partial to a bit of dolphin liver and the wife likes those white mice you have.”
Theresa May, Donald trump and that German woman with the stern head were unavailable for comment as we went to press.
