A home worker from Rochdale is facing a disciplinary hearing today after he allegedly sexually assaulted himself after getting drunk at his office Christmas “party”.

Stan Still, who works for a civil engineering company told us, “I’ve been working from home for about 2 years now. Last Friday everyone was going out on their Christmas party and I felt left out. So, I went to the local off license, bought some Jagermeister and cans of Centurion then went and got a microwave Sunday roast.”

Stan told us he remembers little after a few Jagerbombs. He said, “At about 8 I went out for a pack of cigarettes. The next thing I knew I was waking up on the settee. I’d no recollection of what had happened. Then as the weekend went on I started to remember things that happened. I definitely touched myself inappropriately. It was all a bit of a blur really.”

It’s understood that Stan logged into work on Monday morning to discover he’d already been to HR to complain about his conduct during the Christmas party. He was summoned to a meeting in the toilet with his line manager who informed him he was being suspended.

He told us, “I really screwed up this time. My last job I was sacked for stealing stationary. I’m still banned from Staples. This could really damage my career. There’s no way I can go to drinks on Fridays anymore either. I’ve had to tell HR that I’m an alcoholic and I’m seeking help for my addiction.”

Stan’s HR Manager refused to comment when asked.