Theresa May will communicate the UK’s Brexit plan to the House of Commons later today using the medium of dance.

One insider told us, “The Prime Minister has decided that her dancing has been such a hit recently that she’ll be best to get her message across using dance. She’s been practicing most nights since the party conference. Whereas her previous attempts have been more classical she has been practicing elements of street and modern dance.”

Her dance tutor said, “She’s wanted a novel way of communicating with voters as there’s a general feeling that many are fatigued with Brexit. If you look at popular culture shows such as strictly are hits on a Saturday night. Her act will be something along the lines of the Blue Man group. She’s going for a Blue Woman sort of vibe.”

“Yes I did warn her about that name but there’s no reasoning with her when she’s set her mind on something.”

Labour sources have told us categorically that Jeremy Corbyn will not be communicating using the medium of dance. One said, “Me Corby doesn’t need these sorts of gimmicks. He’s authentic so he’ll be using his more traditional method of discussing Brexit by doing absolutely nothing about it. In fact, he’s probably going to ask her about why the Government isn’t doing more to help feminists in Burkina Fasso improve their literacy by going on yoga retreats.”

The Labour Party was last night quick to distance themselves from Tony Blair after the ghost of Christmas past put in an appearance on Channel 4 News. One member told us, “I’ve no idea who this man is. Even if, he is the most successful Labour leader ever. It’s not 1997 and I voted for William Hague in 2001.”

 

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.