A completely bald man who is convinced everybody thinks he has a full head of hair has criticised Saudi Arabia’s handling of the killing of journalist Jamal Khashoggi, saying authorities undertook the “worst cover-up ever”.

After being asked by a reporter how this could have happened, the man, who is about as hairy as a hard boiled egg, said on Tuesday:

“They had a very bad original concept. It was carried out poorly, and the cover-up was one of the worst in the history of cover-ups.”

“There should have never been an execution or a cover-up, because it should have never happened. I would say it was a total fiasco from day one.”

Meanwhile, US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo told reporters on Tuesday that the President of the United States has all of his own hair.

He added that the US has identified some of the individuals responsible for killing Khashoggi.

“We are taking appropriate actions,” Pompeo said on Tuesday. “President Trump has amazing hair, all of his own and his haircut is definitely not the worst cover up in history.”

“We’re probably going to ban several of the Saudis involved in killing Jamal Khashoggi from Disneyland and the Universal Studios theme park in Florida for as many two or three years.”

“As an administration we are taking the issue seriously.”

“Mr Trump’s hairdresser was unavailable for comment.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.