It’s been revealed that a plan to put Michael Gove in a Wicker man on Saddleworth Moor has gained cross party approval and could go ahead as early as this week.
The plan will see the wicker man created using wood from several thousand up-cycled pallets. The pallets will be doped in paraffin and pig fat. Mr Gove will then be lured to the Wicker man with a series of articles by Sarah Vine in The Daily Mail.
Once at Saddleworth Moor Mr Gove will observe the locals doing northern things like eating chips with gravy, watching Rugby League, living in squalor and playing Bingo.
Mr Gove will then be led to Saddleworth by headlines that show Theresa May is dead and that the Tory Party require a leader. Mr Gove will be tricked into thinking that the Wicker Man is actually a Rostrum of the local Conservative Parties HQ and everyone wants to hear a speech from him.
Once in the Wicker Man the door will be closed and the Sky TV will broadcast the scenes as the flames from the burning more engulf the Wicker Man. The broadcast will be on Sky’s new HD sacrifice channel.
It’s understood that Mr Gove will realise too late that Theresa May isn’t dead and that he won’t be leader. He’ll be heard to shout “No!” repeatedly as it occurs to him that Saddleworth doesn’t even have a Conservative Party.
One local resident said, “We’ve got the fire so it might as well do something useful.”
The government has refused to comment on speculation that this could be come an annual event with Jeremy hunt being earmarked for next years festivities.