A Rochdale man who failed GCSE science has revealed that he is now an expert in Novichok. Bill Board revealed his previously hidden talents in Chemistry last night over a few pints in the Rabid Dog.

Bill’s friend Bill said, “He came in and demonstrated why it couldn’t be Novichok by pouring water on the floor. After an hour the water had evaporated. Then he looked at us and told asked if the Skripals were poisoned in March why was there still Novichok hanging around. It would have all evaporated by now.”

Bill went on to say, “He’s always demonstrating things with water. It’s like water has all the properties of every liquid on Earth. I’m pretty sure he’s wrong like that time he tried to demonstrate that petrol isn’t flammable if you throw a match in it by throwing a match in some water.”

Barman Stan Still said, “He tried to demonstrate that gravity doesn’t exist by pouring water on a tennis ball and spinning the ball really quickly. The water fell off the ball and fell to the Earth just like the theory of gravity says it will. When we pointed this out he told us we were just sheep who believe everything NASA tell us. Frankly, even if NASA is a front for a global conspiracy to cover up gravity not existing they’re still a more credible source than Bill.”

Bill and Stan went on to tell us that Will’s talents don’t just end with Chemistry. He also explained why evolution couldn’t be true as there was no way that fish had evolved from water.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.