Jacob Rees-Mogg has astounded many people by stating that the Universal Credit fiasco is the cheapest way the Government has come up with to kill off the poor and unemployed.

Government spokesman, Cliff Edge said, “When designing this, the Government looked at numerous ways of cutting the numbers of poor and unemployed. Death camps were one option. We have a lot of infrastructure projects which are very costly but using the poor and unemployed to build these was seen as a waste of time. Everyone knows that slavery gets stuff done. Look at the Pyramids. But when we sat down and worked it out we realized that you still have to clothe and feed people.”

Cliff went on, “The other issue is the hidden costs of operating death camps. Vetinary care for savage attack dogs isn’t cheap. You also have to work out what you’re going to do to the bodies afterwards. Are you going to burn them? Who is going to do that? Have you got pits dug that are deep enough? At least if you’ve got them and they’ve died of “natural causes” then you don’t have that to worry about.”

Defending the policy one Government Minister said, “Although in the short term it’ll cost more in the long term there will be fewer unemployed people and poor people. Short term pain for long term gain, as the Brexit Department always tell us. Anyway, it encourages more people to get into employment if they’ve just buried their entire family. They’ve nothing really left to live for.”

Jeremy Corbyn has been asked to speak on the issue in some sort of opposition to the move however, he’s working in B&Q until next Wednesday as he’s saving up to go on holiday in the summer.

Instead, another MP told us, “Well, look, to kill people you have to come up with a means of doing it. This all requires R&D investment. Do you know how much Zyklon A cost to develop? VX isn’t cheap. At least starvation is cheaper. You even cut down on the amount of money it costs to produce food as there are fewer people eating it. WE could even sell off loads of arable land if the population lowers enough. It’s all good if like me, you own a development company.”

Many in the public a now considering Socialism however we couldn’t find anybody who would admit to this.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.