Northern Rail commuters have confirmed that the length of time it takes to get to work is definitely too soon to spoon.

28 year old commuter, Hadley Rollins said, “I get on the train at about 7:30 am. There’s supposed to be one at 7 and one at 7:15. There isn’t so I normally end up cuddled up to someone for the entirety of the journey. On the one hand it’s handy for warmth in the winter. On the other, it’s really awkward. So it’s definitely too soon to spoon.”

Another respondent told us, “On the one hand you’d prefer to get to know someone before spooning. On the other, it’s the most human contact I get most days so I’d like to keep it going.”
Northern, who yesterday launched a new time table said, “The whole idea of running a service that operates trains is an abstract concept. Nobody told us people would expect trains to turn up when we said they would. People should focus on the positives. Loneliness afflicts a lot of people. We like to see ourselves as enabling people to get to know each other better. If that involves sniffing each others arm pits for 35 minutes then so be it.”
Northern have revealed that they will compensate passengers for the poor service on trains this month. They announced on their MySpace page that they would proven 4 guineas and a book of Green Shield Stamps to passengers.
One less than impressed commuter said, “It’s bad enough that they provide a train¬†from 1964 but the compensation for it not turning up seems to be from the same era.”
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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.