The imposition of sweeping timetable changes on Britain’s railways for the first time in 17 years has been an unmitgated success, it has been confirmed.

Speaking from his commuter-proof luxury concrete bunker by scrambler radio, David Davis lauded the implementation of the adjustments to routes and times as a complete tour-de-force of British organisation, adding that the will of the people had been reflected in the improved frequency and convenience of services:

“It just goes to show what we can really achieve if we put our minds to it. Here is yet another example of something that wasn’t broken, that we have decided to fix, and in the process take the country in a brave and progressive new direction. Drivers are now free to agree their own local arrangements with signallers, which will be far better than the system of times and trains being set in stone and imposed before.”

And Davis was critical of news reports citing hundreds of thousands of social media complaints by commuters complaining of delays, cancellations and misery.

“The problem is that these people just don’t believe in the new timetable and aren’t giving it a chance. We should present a united front lest the trains sense weakness and try to exploit it.”