Targeted strikes destroy invoices, with only minor collateral damage to Syrian accountants.

RAF Bomber Command confirmed the series of raids sanctioned by the May government had achieved mission success. The hastily sanctioned mission scrambled to rapidly destroy evidence of UK chemical sales to Syria.

“Morning benders! Much like shagging, we had to get straight in there,” said Defence Secretary Jay Cartwright, “Can’t have Corbyn and his Labour friends delaying it so the Syrians could prove we sold them the chemicals.”

The RAF confirmed it was a simple run, as they simply sent the cruise missiles to the same addresses as our exporters send their invoices. The UK has previously been accused of ‘breathtaking laxity’ in granting export licences for potassium fluoride and sodium fluoride to Syria back in 2013. Now these components for nerve gas have become literally breathtaking.

UK exports of components of chemical weapons have provided many needed jobs to, well, that place near Pocklington, and the other one, and that company, and well, let’s not get sued. Anyway, anyone want some “fertiliser components”? Maybe some “tractor parts” too?

The raids used the Storm Shadow cruise missiles at a cost of £790,000 per missile. The four jets used in the mission collectively spending in excess of £3 million, were they each to fire once. However this is a small price to pay to ensure our companies can export safely in future.

After all, the only reason we stopped exporting nerve gas components to Syria was the European Union sanctions. Well, we won’t have to worry about that restraint on British trade in future.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?