Vladimir Putin has today appealed for calm amid the escalating tension between Russia and the rest of the world, and has invited all current world leaders, their deputies and, in some cases, entire governments ’round to mine for drinks and nibbles,’ so he can sort this whole ‘Syria business’ out.
It seems President of the Actually Terrific United States, Donald Trump, was among the first to receive his invitation, he tweeted ‘Always new Vlad was smart nerly as smart as me wud love to go out for diner but will be washing both my wigs that nite I encourage all world leaders to go, eat and drink as much as you can!!!’
POTATUS signed off with a laughing hysterically emoji, but his press secretary said that was simply a mistake the president made in his exuberance at encouraging everyone to meet ‘that nice Mr Putin.’
Apparently two other leaders have had to decline the ‘very kind invitation’ from the Russian president, those being Bashar al-Assad of Syria and Kim Jong-un of North Korea, their reasons are unknown at this point but they both encouraged all other leaders to accept the invitation, and to ‘have a few drinks on them,’
In a statement issued by Theresa May, she said, ‘as is normal in these circumstances I was going to send the foreign secretary and other British diplomats but after speaking to the Russian president personally he said he really wanted to see me, and for me to bring the entire government along. He was rather insistent on that, so I figured, why not, he seems sincere and we have been working hard at appeasing those who wanted brexit, the break will do us good.’
Nigel Farage, in an unprecedented display of ‘niceness’ wished all the world leaders lots of luck, and said that he wished he was going too, asked why he was sniggering he just said he was happy, really really happy that everyone was going and that soon there would be world peace, the likes of which we had never seen before, but that we would all get used to and perhaps even grow to love. Asked what he meant by that seemingly odd last statement, Farage just smiled his creepy smile and went to the pub.
As The Herald understands it most world leaders have agreed to the dinner date, a few were worried about poisoning, but Putin put their minds at rest by telling the UN that Russia couldn’t make chemicals, and besides he had turned over a new leaf and now wanted to be a nice guy.
A reply from the UN simply read “that’s all ticketyboo then.”
The Rochdale Herald can confirm that we have declined our press invitation and will not be attending as there is a pie eating contest in Burnley that day and we want to go to point and laugh.