The US has told a UN Security Council meeting that the recent chemical attack on Syria is completely unacceptable. 

Responding to reports of an incident in Douma in which dozens of people are reported to have died in a chemical weapons attack US Ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley said:

“Killing civilians with unconventional weapons is an outrage, particularly when conventional American made ones can be bought over the counter at a perfectly reasonable price.”

“There’s certainly no need to go dropping expensive Russian made Sarin gas in barrel bombs when we have AR-15’s on sale for less than the price of an iPhone.”

“We have great offers on ammunition as well. This kind of incident is damaging to the US economy.”

“Russia simply can’t be allowed to continue to have unfettered access to the Syrian child slaughter market while the US stock market is slumping. Shareholders in American weapons manufacturers should be allowed to make a fair return on their investments too.”

“A decision will be made in the next 24-48 hours on which brands of missile we’ll fire into an empty airfield in the desert. We’ll need that long in order to allow Donald to buy stock in the appropriate weapons manufacturers.”

Lockheed Martin are tipped as a good stock buy by The Rochdale Herald.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.