Following the recent arrest of a woman for playing a toy trumpet at a tree felling site, and the resultant revelation that trumpeting in a public place is illegal; South Yorkshire Police stopped protecting the private company conducting the treeslaughter in order to launch dramatic swoops across the region this morning.
The wife of Grimethorpe Colliery Band trumpet player Fred Daphne said “It was just after 3 am when police broke down our door and seven officers in riot gear dragged Fred into a waiting van.”
Barnsley Brass soloist Velma Shaggie confirmed that she too had been arrested while practicing scales in her cellar “I had no idea trumpet playing was illegal. This will only drive trumpet playing underground. Which is ironic, given they arrested me in the cellar.”
Constable Bob Savage of SYP said ‘It’s clear that playing plastic toy trumpets can lead to the ‘hard stuff’ like ‘brass’ and ‘silver’. So we have moved today to take out known ‘tooters’ in order to, as the French say ‘decourager les arbres’.”
Savage continued “It’s a profound regret to me that some of the most notorious valve-fiddlers have escaped justice, dying before the full horror of street trumpeting was known. Roy Castle, Kenny Ball and him off I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue. They were the real bandleaders. Sorry, ringleaders.”
It is thought James Galway is seeking legal advice for wrongful arrest after being picked up in Mexborough. PC Savage refused to comment on rumours that South Yorkshire Police have their own brass band among their ranks.
A spokesperson for the Sheffield Tree Action Group, Colwin Baye, said “If the police think they can stop noisy protest by banning trumpets they’ve got another think coming. We have weapons-grade bagpipes and people who are tone-deaf enough to use them.”