The highly influential research and strategy group, Burnley Analytica, have been accused of unfairly influencing the, multi-pound Northern Pie Market.

An undercover investigation, by Baked Goods Weekly, has unearthed astounding evidence of a conspiracy to manipulate the Northern Pie market.

Using data gathered from graffiti in playgrounds, council estates and on toilet walls, Burnley Analytica were able to identify key personality types in the pie buying market. The target pie eater was identified as being low skilled, low paid, tattooed, 4 stone overweight with a shaved head and a penchant for sports-wear. There was no gender bias. Burnley Analytica were able to sell this data to bakeries, willing to pay to get on to the gravy train

Using a series of targeted ‘lads being lads’ videos, funny graffiti and bad jokes directed at the target pie eater, they managed to change the eating habits of several Northern towns.

Their objective was to stop people buying traditional pies, containing something close to meat and gravy, and introduce new products like the Steakie Bakie slice. This became an aspirational, must have, accessory for many. It was more expensive than traditional pies but it had less meat, less pastry and shorter cooking time. Most people bought two.

The success of the Steakie Bakie is reported to be behind the remarkable growth of a chain of takeaway bakers, without which no Northern Council Estate is complete. Whilst the price of baked goods has gone up, sales of the traditional pie are in decline. A basic steak and gravy pie is currently trading at £1.20, down from £1.70 jut six months ago. Whereas a Stakie Bakie was selling in Rochdale for £1.90.

It is easy to see why greedy companies are keen to use these sneaky tactics, the mandatory daily consumption of pie, in the North, means there are big profits to be made.

Responding to the accusation that Burnley Analytica had used social media, ‘top blokes’ and graffiti artists to unfairly influence people into buying unhealthy, overpriced food they said “Of course, how else will they be able to pay our fees.” They went on to add “I mean, have you seen these people, they are addicted to this rubbish they are eating.”

Following these revelations, the share price of Burnley Analytica was trading up, at two Steakie Bakies a share.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.