The Rochdale Herald is sad to report that the first Burnley resident to complete the 40 minute mile has died aged 29.

Bill Board completed the feat this morning after setting off from his house. He walked at a steady shuffle and arrived at his local Lidl 40 minutes later. He only had to stop 7 times en route.

The Herald first interviewed Bill last month just after he announced his intention. During that interview Bill revealed his training diet.

Before setting off this morning he ate a packet of bacon, six sausages, six eggs, a mound of toast and beans.
The main course consisted of sandwiches, two large pizzas, three kebabs and a giant Chinese curry.
Whilst on the way Bill ate packets of sweets, cakes and family-size chocolate bars and two litres of cola.

Bill’s support team followed him on the whole mile. At the 3/4 mile mark he began to feel dizzy and unwell. His team administered a quart of Brandy and a shot of Strychnine. This revived Stan for the final leg.

After crossing the line Stan told us, “You don’t know what this means. The other day some children said they wanted to be me. I did this all for them and because I get a fiver off frozen pizzas today.”

However, 10 minutes later Stan was seen to collapse on the floor. His body was covered in Lidl carrier bags and he was removed on a trolley.

He won’t grow old as we who are left to grow old but his memory will live on.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.