The town of Oldham, Greater Mancashire, has been praised by vegan activists, hipsters and liberal snowflakes alike for taking the progressive move of removing all references to meat from the town’s name.
Councillors confirmed radical changes are underway, with the town’s famous Beef Dripping fountain scheduled for demolition, as well as derelict mills being converted into luxury safe space loft apartments for honey bees. The name of the town’s famous Mumps Bridge will also be changed to ‘Meat is Murder Bridge’. Smiths frontman and long time vegetable fanatic, Morrissey, will perform at a concert outside the Gents’ lavatories at Boundary Park in celebration of the event if he can fit it in between Millwall away games and UKIP meetings.
The town’s premier football team and winners of the ‘oxymoron of the 20th century’ competition Oldham Athletic will follow suit by also trimming the processed fat from their name. The club have also confirmed they will adjust their seminal anthem by Grandad Roberts ‘Meat Pie, Sausage Roll’ accordingly to ‘Bulger wheat, Bean curd, come on Oldtofu, score a third!!’ although the club later quelled expectations of actually reaching 3 goals for the season.
Hardcore vegan Peta Tripe from Chadderton, the daughter of a butcher who grew up on a diet of pigs blood and entrails before meeting activist Jimmy Chaos (real name Barrington Barrington-Smyth IV) at university, was questioned for her thoughts but was too busy burying evidence of her past & feasting on an ethically sourced chard to pass comment.
Other UK towns with outdated carnivorous connotations such as Rotherham, Gristleton, Ashton-under-Swine & Meatchester are said to be monitoring the success of Oldtofu’s change, with town officials said to be delighted with early signs.
“We’ve seen a spike in commerce already” said town official Jezza Bell, who wished to remain anonymous. “We had 2 people from Chorlton come today, although they left in a huff on their tandem bicycle after tearing down a greasy spoon for serving Maxwell House.
“It’s early days, but we’re committed to getting it right.”
The Rochdale Herald would like to point out that the use of the word ‘premier’ to describe Oldham Athletic purely ironic.
