A physical and mental health Atos assessment on US President, Donald J Trump, has conclusively found that he is unfit for work, the DWP confirmed today.

The Atos assessment, leaked to the Herald, showed that Trump had pronounced deficits in both physical and mental functionality. On the physical side, he was unable to pick up and move an object, could not make himself understood, was unable to understand others, could not find his way around, was incontinent and exhibited lack of consciousness. Mentally, he had difficulty learning tasks, was unaware of hazards, failed at planning and problem solving, was unable to cope with change or other people, and exhibited strange behaviour.

“Luckily for the US and the rest of the world, one of the tests failed by Trump was an inability to press a button or turn a page,” said the unnamed assessor in the leaked document, “…otherwise we’d all probably be ash by now”.

The DWP confirmed that it has written to the US Congress, offering President Trump a council house in Rochdale, help from support workers, and disability living allowance. “The special relationship makes it incumbent on us to help this impaired and deluded fool”, said a DWP spokesperson. The US State Department has passed on the thanks of the American people for “…this kind and helpful act”, and will be loading President Trump onto an unmarked CIA rendition plane heading for Rochdale International Airport.

This is thought to the one of the first times ever in the UK that Atos has deemed a person ‘unfit for work’.