A delusional representative of the Student Loans Company has said that he is still optimistic that they might get some of the money back that they lent to students.

Graham Barnsley, a manager at the Student Loans Company, made the announcement at this year’s Christmas Party.

He said: “We anticipate that if inflation keeps going at this rate then eventually some graduates will inevitably probably earn more than £18,000 a year and have to start paying back some of their student debt.”

“That’s if some of them can get a job of course and our analysts are pretty optimistic that some of them might be able to secure work on zero hour contracts as sex workers and fruit pickers after Brexit.”

“If we ever leave the European Union of course.”

The chancellor Philip Hammond welcomed the announcement: “It looks like our cunning plan to keep inflation over 3% to drive subsistence wages over £18,000 a year so we can get some of our money back from students is working.”

‘You’re welcome. We were beginning to worry that we were going to have to start sending in the bailiffs to repossess traffic cone and beer mat collections in order to stave off some of our losses.”

Former student Harry Thomas said: “Minimum wage just needs to go up by £2 an hour and I can start paying back some of the £50,000 I borrowed to get my Film Studies Degree from the University of Burnley.”

“I’m quite attached to the traffic cone I pinched in 2007, I’d hate to have to part with it. That and Chlamydia are the only things I have to show for my three years at University.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.