The EU move to ban phosphates in donner kebabs has sent a shockwave through the British culinary world.

Keith Braithwaite, local restaurateur and winner of Burnley’s only certificate for food safety said “Let’s face it, if we lose donner kebabs, what has British cuisine got left? Chicken tikka masala? Our national heritage is being gutted in the name of daft arse European safety and it’s precisely why we should get out. I say English phosphate for the English. We don’t want any of the foreign muck we’ll be forced to serve. They’ll take our saveloys next”.

Although research suggests a link between phosphates in food and heart disease, Mr Braithwaite was quick to point out that many of the other items on his menu are healthy, “we served a tomato once” and that several of his customers have died of other causes.

“Kenny, one of my oldest customers, had a heart attack just after they moved Top Gear to satellite. I suppose they’ll ban television next, will they?”

Residents of Burnley ate over two hundred thousand donner kebabs last year. Not only is it the most popular packed lunch for schoolchildren, but lifting the stuffed pitta treat remains the only cardio many locals take part in on a daily basis.

Braithwaite continued “It’ll be a real shame if traditional regurgitated food disappears from our early morning pavements, just because a few EU experts say a true British delicacy might make your heart explode. I eat a donner at least once a day and look at me”.

(The Rochdale Herald would like to thank Mr Braithwaite’s estate for allowing us to print his comments.)

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