A ‘suspicious package’ that led to the evacuation of Burnley General Hospital earlier today has been identified as a basket of fruit, according to hospital officials.
Over two hundred patients had to be escorted out of the building shortly after 9 a.m. this morning, after a member of the public reported seeing what looked like a brightly-coloured cache of weapons sitting on a chair close to the main entrance.
“I’ve never seen anything like it before in my life and you can’t take any chances these days, not with all those brown doctors and nurses about,” said concerned citizen, Darren Fudd, 34.
“There were these yellow gun-shaped things on the top and a bunch of orange things underneath that could have been hand grenades, so I did what my mum has always told me to do and reported it to a grown-up.
“I’ll admit, I did think it was a bit weird that they’d gift-wrap an IED in wicker and pink cellophane, but those muzzies are sneaky buggers, so you never know.”
Police are reported to have cordoned off a large section of the car park whilst bomb disposal experts used a remote-controlled robot to inspect the package at a safe distance. They later confirmed that the contents of the basket had been safely disposed of inside a Nutribullet, alongside some low-fat yoghurt and a glass of orange juice.
Staff Nurse Linda Henderson, 58, told that Herald that the evacuation had been a proportionate response to an unknown threat, though she also expressed frustration at the carelessness of the person responsible for bringing the basket into the hospital in the first place.
“Who the hell brings fruit into a hospital?” she said.
“Especially in Burnley. This is a town where people consider chips to be a side salad, so I can only assume they weren’t local.
“They actually opened a Gregg’s in the lobby last year to encourage people to eat more healthily, and it’s the only hospital I’ve ever worked in where the operating tables come with a built-in ashtray.”
NHS Lancashire have since released a statement confirming that no patients or staff were harmed during the incident, and asked the public to refrain from gifting fruit in future unless they want to be punched in the face and called soft southern ponces.
