Since the early 1970s, the Trivial Piesuits factory has been a welcome source of employment, nourishment, and scent for Burnley residents.

The squat factory unit, on the Heasandford Estate, has undoubtedly boosted house prices in neighbouring Briercliffe and Lane Bottom. The scent of pastry cooking on an industrial scale has done wonders to mask the inherent stench of Burnley.

But in a shattering incident last Friday, an arsonist has destroyed the factory. The large scale blaze destroyed several neighbouring properties and has caused an unprecedented £3.14159265359 of damage.

Burnley Borough Council has been under pressure for years to do more to discourage residents from emptying their privy into the streets. But, stubbornly superstitious locals continue to believe that open rivers of effluent are necessary to protect their daughters against stout shoed marauders from Hebden Bridge.

However, with Trivial Piesuits gone, the noxious stench of Burnley rises to the fore once more. Economic damage is expected to join the environmental. The factory has a long tradition of providing national minimum wage income jobs to the local area, allowing locals more than enough to buy a house, and raise a family, provided they don’t leave Burnley.

But, with Burnley pie production experiencing such a setback, economists fear that demand could outstrip supply, and prices for pieces of pie could reach the giddying heights of Rochdale’s considerably more salubrious town centre, or even, the crippling prices of that Manchester.

Burnley Council leader Mark Townsend has appealed for calm: “The loss of Trivial Piesuits is not this town’s end,” said Cllr Townsend at one of his “out and about” surgeries, “Burnley has many attractive employment opportunities for its semi-skilled residents.”

“The pies won’t run out,” he said, as he bought all of the pies available in Padiham Tesco.

Rochdale Council leader Richard Farnell would like to reassure residents and Herald readers that the borough is under no obligation whatsoever to accept Burnley refugees. Farnell describes the sheep dip and other de-contamination roadblocks on the A646 and A56 as merely precautionary.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?