Terrifying psychopaths around the country have taken time out from planning murders and disembowelling their neighbour’s pets to tell The Rochdale Herald that they have already wrapped all of their Christmas presents.

The UK’s super-organised serial killers who are best known for meticulously planning and hiding their crimes have all bought and wrapped the gifts they intend to give to their families and prey this Christmas.

Myra Dickinson, from Rochdale, said: “I like to plan ahead. I like there to be no surprises. Some of these gifts I’ve been planning for months, if not years. I even kept some gifts from last year to do some re-gifting. The trick is in the forward planning.

“Fortunately I have a panel van so I was able to do all of the shopping this year in one trip. I beat the crowds and didn’t have to hear any Christmas carols.”

“I’m six weeks ahead of schedule. It should have been eight, but I went on a murderous rampage in October and had to dispose of the bodies of all of my victims. It takes a while.”

“I’m not used to wrapping things in pretty paper, I usually just wrap stuff in industrial plastic or bin bags. I always have quite a lot of duct tape lying around.”

“I filled out all of my Christmas cards for this year in June.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.