The leader of Burnley council has called for calm today, after it was revealed a Burnley schoolgirl went an entire term without becoming pregnant.
Eric Dingle, confirmed that the school will be put under special measures, until an investigation is concluded. “We’re already the shithole of the premier league, we don’t need this right now.”
The girl, who can’t named because she gets confused with all the other slappers from the Stoops estate in Burnley, has been placed in the care of the male P.E. department.
“We have not seen anything this since like the summer of 1986, after Chernobyl.” Said Head Teacher Barry Dingle. “Back then it took all the combined man power of the P.E. and the geography dependents to restore balance.”
It is believed that the school, and Burnley council will lose out on vital government funding, and will now have to screen weekly assembly videos of the dangers of safe sex.
Parent Sheila Dingle spoke to the Rochdale Herald to express her concern. “I just don’t know if I can continue to keep my daughter here, when I can’t even guarantee she won’t come home knocked up.”
Councillor for education, Mandy Dingle, was hopeful for the future. “We’re hopeful that this will be an isolated incident.”
“We believe that the girl in question may have been influenced by some scackers from Blackburn, we’re scrubbing out all road signs leading there.”
It’s not all bad news. The situation led to Burnley’s first 100% term attendance. A blue plaque will be revealed by Lord mayor of Burnley, Dingle Dingle.