Sex education has been given the thumbs down by Burnley gran Ellie-Mae-Leigh Horne. 19 year old Ellie-Mae-Leigh, whose eldest daughter Chelsea-Leigh has just given birth herself, was outraged.

“It just shouldn’t happen, innit,” she said, puffing on a black market fag. “It’s so wrong. I never got sex education at primary school and I done alright.”

Ellie-Mae-Leigh has at least six children, but was unsure about the actual number. “I can’t count that high,” she said “I’m not even sure if they are all mine!”

The Herald spoke to the head teacher at Chelsea-Leigh’s school, Lacey Pants, 23. “We believe that sex education is vitally important for our children,” she says. “After all, it is only natural for little girls and boys to have urges, so we help them to understand what will happen sooner or later anyway.”

Ms Pants further revealed that the children “really enjoyed the lessons. They displayed a truly mature attitude and were fully engaged throughout.”

Ellie-Mae disagreed. “The kids ought to learn proper practical stuff that will help them in real life,” she said. “Like how to hot-wire a BMW, or get a council flat, or get money off of the social. You know what I mean? Life skills, innit.”

Meanwhile, Chelsea-Leigh and her new daughter, Shanade-Leigh, were settling down at home. “It’s great,” she said, blowing bubbles in her chewie. “Now I got Shanade, I don’t have to share my room with Summer-Leigh and Jessica-Leigh no more.”

Chelsea-Leigh’s boyfriend is no longer on the scene. “Yeah, I dumped Tyler after he cheated on me with Kayleigh-Leigh next door,” she said. “We still talk though, anyway we sit on the same table at school.”

What does she think about sex education? “That was real, you know,” she says, brightening up. “I liked the practicals best. We all loved it. It’s the only subject where I done any homework.”

“Yeah, don’t we know it!” says Ellie-Mae-Leigh. “Anyway, sex education for primary kids is stupid, innit. They already know how to do it!”