The dead animals that the cat has been dragging in from the garden are not gifts, they’re warnings cats have confirmed.

Fluffles the cat, from Wetherby in North Yorkshire, has confirmed that he has been leaving corpses around his house to tell the humans who are living there, in no uncertain terms, who is boss.

“Even if they don’t respect me, they will fear me.” Fluffles told our Ritualistic Slaughter Correspondent. “I kill the smaller rodents so that the bigger rodents will know to keep feeding and massaging me. If they don’t, they know what’s coming. Death in the night.”

Fluffles, known as The Godfather to his friends, kills at least one vole, squirrel, mouse or bird everyday as an “example” to the others.”

“Do what I say or I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.