An adorably fluffy little kitten from Bury has confirmed he is a double hard bastard who is not to be trifled with.

13 week old psychopath Tiddles has been living with a couple in Bury since the beginning of September and is frankly bored of his slaves and can’t wait to get outside and kill something.

Tiddles said “I don’t know why these servants can’t see me for who I am, I am the bringer of death. Kneel before me or feel my wrath you maggots. Now go get me some food.”

“The pathetic fawning sycophants who coo and croon over me everyday should be grateful I’ll never be big enough to maul them properly. I’d eat them in a heartbeat.”

“I hope they enjoy the sound of small animals screaming and a complete lack of birdsong because I am going to kill everything that moves in their garden the moment they get me vaccinated.”

“And those neighbours that keep chickens, well, let’s put it this way they won’t be on the Christmas card list next year.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.