American scientists confirmed last night that US President, Donald Trump, is close to completely disappearing up his own arse.
Professor Steven Sigmoid of the US Institute for Sphincteral Studies told The Rochdale Herald “Donald Trump is suffering from a rare condition known as Verbal Crapulence. The more he congratulates himself, pats himself on the back or brags about his supposed greatness the worse his condition gets. He is in real danger of completely losing himself up his own ass, which could be fatal.”
The White House have been so concerned about the President’s condition that they sought advice from top experts with a view to halting the advance of this terrible disease. An insider told us “We are very worried. The President has been spouting a lot of shite about himself recently which seems to have accelerated his condition. Due to his size, he is classed as a small planet and we have therefore had to hand over all monitoring of the President to NASA.”
At the NASA Space Centre in Houston, Texas, top scientists confirmed the current status. “We have attached space sensors to the President to monitor the progress of this disease. A week ago the President’s head started to tilt downwards as he made a speech which revolved around how awesome he was. Hours later his spine showed sign of substantial curvature and he had developed a stoop.
“Over the next few days his neck began to curve forward and his head started moving towards his crotch area. Over the last few hours his condition has become more pronounced. “
The NASA scientist continued “Last night the President’s head passed his perineum, or Biffins Bridge as it’s more commonly known. This is the area between his scrotum and his ring piece and was really the last chance we had to stall the head before it entered the body. We fitted the President with an emergency collar to try and stop his fat head advancing further, but at 20.00 last night he entered his own sphincter and his noggin is now firmly stuck up his anal canal. The President’s spine is now so curved that he looks like a massive Danish pastry.”
In the last few minutes NASA have confirmed that they have launched an internal probe, injected into Mr Trump’s bloodstream and manned by miniature scientists, like in that film Fantastic Voyage. The hope is that the probe will move down through POTUS, traversing along his colon, eventually entering his rectum sometime tomorrow. A large piston will then be deployed to push the President’s head back out of his arsehole. The intention is to manage the ooeration without dislodging his toupe but this may not be possible.
If successful it’s expected the President will have to undergo emergency spinal surgery to correct the severe curvature and he will then be sent on a course somewhere to teach him how to stop being such a pretentious, narcissistic, tit.