President Donald Trump has confirmed that America is to build the world’s first ladder to the Moon.
At a White House press conference Trump stated “For many, many years the United States of America has led the world in space exploration. In 1936, we sent Buster Crabbe, AKA Flash Gordon, on the very first mission to the Planet Mongo where he defeated one of our very great and powerful enemies, Emperor Ming The Merciless.
“Then in 1948 we trained Albert, a monkey, to pilot a space rocket to other worlds. In 1969 Stretch Armstrong, with the whole world watching, became the first man to walk on the Moon. More recently, in 1998, Bruce Willis saved our planet by destroying an asteroid that would have killed all life on Earth by subjecting us all to death. Now we are to go further, much, much further by building the first ladder to the Moon,”
Trump explained “The United States of America, God bless us all, will build a big, actually a huge ladder to the Moon. Much bigger than any ladder Obama or Crooked Hillary would have built. I have today been in contact with the Washington branch of Walmart, the owner is a personal friend of mine. He thinks I’m the best President ever, as do all the people on the checkouts. And in the warehouse. Better than Obama certainly.
“He has promised to lend us several smaller ladders which, when taped together with duct tape, will form a much bigger ladder to reach the Moon. This ladder will then be covered in gold paid for by cancelling all medical help for sick and dying children. I am sure you will agree our need is greater than theirs.” President Trump continued.
“Once the ladder is in place I will send a task force of robotic Ronnie Corbetts, based on a likeness of an ol golfing buddy of mine from Scotland in England, to construct a gigantic dome on the moon. This dome will be called the Trump Moon Dome and it will be bigger than any dome ever built and certainly better than any dome Obama ever thought of.
“The Trump Moon Dome will contain a huge golf course and a city, Trumpville, staffed solely by Miss World contestants. Only white Americans will be able to use the ladder and any Moon aliens found up there will be deported to Venus. God bless America.
“Let’s make the moon great again!”
A spokesman for Walmart said last night “we don’t have enough ladders to reach the Moon and wouldn’t give them to Trump if we did as he is mental in the face.”
When the Rochdale Herald contacted the White House for a statement we were told that Trump was too busy constructing a death ray to wipe out the NFL and couldn’t come to the phone until after his nap.