End of the World Predicted this month. For the Third Time.
This time conspiracy theorists have predicted that, on 23 September, there will be a biblical apocalypse, which this time, will not even leave cockroaches or the DFS Sale intact.
Armageddon was not caused earlier this month by a hidden planet, which came as little surprise to astronomers, but as a total shock to people who call watching YouTube videos and trawling Google “research”.
Nevertheless, despite the end not being caused by Planet X, asteroids, fire, brimstone, ice or the second coming in the last few months, “woke” people who know a “truth” that never happens believe that this time really has to be it. We hoped that after 2012, some people might have realised that, just because the Mayans didn’t finish a calendar, it didn’t mean it was the end of the world. But no.
The situation is not helped by the fact that people are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow. Sadly, we all know that, one day, these predictions will come true, and we will then all be laughing on the other sides of our faces.
After all, it is only a matter of time until President Emotional Child learns to count and after that, he may be able to remember the launch codes.
In light of the growing danger, we at the Herald have decided to work through a list of all the taboo things we have never dared do in life.
As he wrote this, our reporter was standing with a syringe full of heroin, an acid tab, wearing his wife’s underwear and about to shag a sheep.
And as soon as he’s done, he’ll get started on that list.