A Rochdale man who only ever reads books written by Jeremy Clarkson has voiced his anger about Jane Austen appearing on the new £10 note.

38 year old John Bull said, “It’s a sign that the feminazis have won. I won’t be silent on the matter. It could have been a true British hero on the note like Nelson or Oasis. Instead, we’ve got Jane Austen.

All she ever wrote was 18th century chick-lit and she gets on a banknote. I don’t care if it’s not PC. I don’t want to look at her when I’m snorting coke on a Friday. I’ve read 26 of Clarkson’s books and they’re all classics. Better than anything Austen would write. The only
Austen that should be on a banknote is an Austin-Healey 3000.”

Elsewhere, some people have voiced concern over the BPA content of the new notes. Candycaine Beam-Me-Up-Scottie told us, “I go to great lengths to buy coke off people I trust. That way I can delude myself into thinking I’m not snorting something that will harm me. The BPA levels in the new notes are dangerous though. It’s irresponsible of the Government to sanction such levels and I fear it will only end up costing the NHS when I’ve developed nose cancer.”

Vegans have also been voicing their concerns about the levels of beef in these notes. However, the Herald reporter sent to report fell asleep during the bongo togetherness cuddle session that preceeded the speech.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.