Billionaire adventurer and entrepreneur Sir Richard Branson is currently in custody in the British Virgin Islands after being arrested for looting, according to reports.
Hundreds of British troops and police officers have been deployed to the Islands to help restore law and order, following the devastation caused by Hurricane Irma. Branson, who lives in a luxury resort on the private island of Necker, is reported to have been caught ransacking by locals and then handed over to law enforcement officials in the early hours of this morning.
“I can confirm that a 67 year-old British national is currently in police custody,” said Deputy Commissioner, David French.
“We cannot provide any further details at this stage, though if anyone’s looking to negotiate a better deal on their TV and broadband we can give you a taser and five minutes alone in an unmonitored cell.”
According to eyewitnesses, Branson was seen to carry away a range of different items, including flat screen TVs, several laptop computers, and at least a dozen British GP surgeries.
“He was pretty bloody brazen about it,” said local resident, Judith Samuels. “We chased him over to his van and when we pulled open the doors we found jewellery, electrical appliances and large sections of the UK rail network.
“He’d even managed to squeeze about a hundred NHS-trained nurses into his glove box. Poor things were wedged in amongst a half-empty bag of Werther’s Originals, an old ‘A to Z’, and millions of Pounds in unpaid taxes, which, to be fair, is still better than the way they’re treated by the Tories.”
A spokesperson for the Virgin Group told the Herald: “Sir Richard remains committed to helping residents on the British Virgin Islands recover from Hurricane Irma, and we are confident that this misunderstanding will be cleared up in due course.
“I’d also like to highlight once again that Sir Richard moved to the Islands not for tax avoidance reasons but because it was deemed better for his health.
“Specifically, Virgin Health, and we hope to continue privatising the shit out of the rest of the NHS once all your taxes have been used up fixing his roof.”