Concerns have been raised by the family of Jim Watson, 24, of Heywood after he hasn’t been seen for the last week and a half. It is believed that Mr Watson is alive, but has recently become a recluse through fear of nuclear war.

“It all started a few days ago” said Mr Watson’s mother, Tina.

“He was following the news President Trump and that Korean chap, Lil Kim, constantly muttering ‘Too many people, not enough resources.'”

It has been reported that Mr Watson has been seen wandering through local pubs and cafes collecting bottle caps. Other strange behaviour includes sightings Mr Watson walking around with his mobile phone scotch taped to his arm and carrying a rounders bat with nails hammered through it.

Mr Watson’s house on Blunsdale Avenue, has also seen a transformation, with its windows boarded up and neighbours claiming that a deep tunnel has been dug into the garden.
Crude hand drawn leaflets have been distributed around the avenue with a fill in and return ‘S.P.E.C.I.A.L’ test, asking bizarre questions about reactions to events such as growing a third arm and whether you would ‘murder someone at the request of your grandmother.’

“we’re really worried about him” said Tina

“Just before he stopped answering his phone to us, he had bought an old radio set; he’d sit by it going through the frequencies mumbling something like “another settlement needs my help”. It had gotten really bad when I’d come home and he would have torn the fabric off of our couch, or ripped the copper wire out of the appliances.”

“We nearly came to blows one time because I had put all my tin cans into the recycling bin instead of saving them for him! He said I’d deprived him of valuable resources and that he thinks I’m a feral old ghoul; whatever that means.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.