A newborn baby is deliberately planning the most inconvenient time to either shit himself or start screaming for no reason.

Lancashire-born newborn dickhead Barry Dickinson said; “It’s all about timing, sleeping with one eye open and waiting for your opportunity to cause maximum inconvenience. I’m looking for that moment when your dinner is on the table or your cup of tea is at the perfect drinking temperature. That’s when I’m going to get you.”

“Don’t think I don’t know when you want to go to the toilet yourself. I’m always watching and waiting.”

“The trick is to never let your guard fully down and always be ready to shit yourself when somebody is at the door or when the phone rings.”

Dickinson continued: “People think we’re cute and cuddly but really we’ve got a sick sense of humour and don’t want you to sleep, eat or speak to another adult. Your attention is mine and mine alone. Deal with it bitch.”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.