Caught between “Moeen Ali spins England to victory!” and “Fury as Muslim immigrant takes YOUR place in the ENGLAND cricket team”, the Daily Mail’s editor was admitted to hospital suffering from advanced Editorial Conflictitis.

The Mail’s stance on immigrants is of the ‘Send ’em back’ persuasion. In Moeen’s case, this means Birmingham, that hotbed of radical Islam and home of ‘terror mosques’ which recruit for ISIS. Moeen’s softly spoken, Brummie-inflected tones must strike fear and horror into Dacre’s twisted heart.

Sunday night’s London fire was originally believed to have been caused by excessive friction in the Mail offices, but unfortunately this was not the case. The cause of the Camden Marked fire is unknown although a suspiciously large stock of charred Daily Mails was discovered at the scene.

The Daily Mail’s letters page was conspicuously blank as Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells could not decide whether to complain about talented Muslims or claim that a return to Apartheid would strengthen the South African team so they would give us a better game.

Dacre, a highly rated contender for the coveted UK’s most flaccid cockgoblin award, was still too stressed to comment. When interviewed, all he managed to say was a noise that sounded like he was being slowly strangled by his conscience. This is strange, because he is believed to have left his conscience on the train to Manchester in 1971 when he took up his first journalistic position.

In truth, Moeen graced the hallowed turf of Lord’s, which witnessed an excellent Test Match. The Mail’s attitude is just not cricket.