Russian President and superstar house elf, Vladimir Putin, has revealed that the whole Trump/Russia thing is a prank that went too far.
“Trump come to us and say I spy for you and you win me Whitehouse,” explained Mr Putin to our intern, “I think is good chance for jokes. I tell him that he must contact us using fake name of Ivana Tinkle and giggle to self.”
Unfortunately Mr Trump fell for it hook, line and heat seeker and when the DNC was hacked by Russian hackers he believed that it was a confirmation that Russia were helping him.
“Is coincidence. Russian hackers just want cause trouble and it helped Comrade Trump,” Putin continued, “But I don’t know at time. I tell him his Russian contact is Yuri Nator. He call up to say thank you and he say ‘Hello. Yuri Nator, Ivana Tinkle,’ We all pissink knickers laughing but he no get it.”
According to Putin he had no hand in winning the election for Donald Trump (“American really that stupid! Don’t blame me!”) and would have been just as happy with a Clinton win.
“Clinton would have stirred up Syrian war which makes me look good to Russian peoples,” the wannabe warrior told us, “but I admit having Donald think he owes me is very good too!”
So isn’t the bear-wrestling Cossack worried that Donald Trump will discover that it was all a big piss take?
“This why I tell you about it, not the Fox News. He read Rochdale Herald and I just say is fake news!”