The nation was in shock this afternoon after rumours began circulating that Ed Miliband had done something useful somewhere up North.
“It can’t be true.” Maureen Liphook of Middleton Labour NEC told The Herald. “He’s a nice enough bloke, ask anybody, except his brother obviously don’t ask him, but he’s less use than a chocolate fireguard or a cigarette lighter on a motorcycle.”
Miliband, who was fired from his job as a paperweight by the electorate in the last general election, was allegedly seen cutting somebody’s lawn in Doncaster yesterday.
“He lost an election to David Cameron, I wouldn’t have thought that was possible. Are you sure he was operating a lawn mower? We’re there any survivors?”
