Rochdale residents are said to be very excited by the prospect of house price rises for the first time in almost a century in post-apocalyptic Britain.

“It’s very exciting.” A spokesman for Rochdale estate agency Danczuk Swallows told The Herald.

“In the event of a nuclear apocalypse average house prices in Rochdale are expected to jump 50% overnight to almost £8,000. Rochdale is one of the few places outside of the Ukraine to have been pre-apocalypsed.

If you look at satellite images of Rochdale it looks like a bomb has already been dropped on it, it’s very unlikely anybody will bother dropping another here making it one of the safest and least radioactive places to live in the U.K.”

Rochdale will still be a shithole during the nuclear winter, but it probably won’t glow in the dark.

Trump’s standoff with Kim Jong Un continues.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.