International Trade Secretary Liam Fox will fly into Iraq later today in the hope of securing a trade deal with the so-called ‘Islamic State’.
Fox is due to meet IS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in an undisclosed location close to the Iraqi town of Tel Afar, where they will discuss a trading relationship based on “a foundation of shared values and shared interests.”
According to Whitehall sources, Fox intends to say the words ‘human rights’ on at least one occasion, though not necessarily in that order and definitely not in a manner that might jeopardise al-Baghdadi’s co-operation.
“Dr. Fox maintains the view that Brexit will make the UK a stronger, fairer, more united and more outward-looking nation,” a Government spokesperson told the Herald. “He’s just decided that the best way to do that is to cut deals with regimes that are divisive, unstable and prone to butchering their own people.”
Government critics were quick to condemn the visit, with MPs from all of the main parties raising concerns about the impact such deals would have on the UK’s global reputation.
“It has become clear that Theresa May and her Brexit-obsessed government are now willing to do pretty much anything, no matter how morally or ethically repulsive it appears, in a pathetic attempt to establish some semblance of financial security,” said one Labour backbencher.
“We are now very much the Melania Trump of world trade.”
Meanwhile, a government spokesperson denied reports that global leaders were lining up to be passionately rimmed by senior cabinet figures desperate to secure trade deals.
“There is absolutely no truth in the rumour that Robert Mugabe has had his anus bleached to make it easier for Boris Johnson to find it when he inevitably turns up in Zimbabwe begging to sell them stuff on the cheap.
“By the way, did any of you bring mouthwash? We seem to have run out.”