The BBC announced today that all future Comic Relief events will simply be Michael McIntyre and people called Russell running around and doing observational routines.

Deputy Director General Sir Vincent Cost said that, as they are currently being investigated by OfCom due to complaints regarding last Friday’s event, they would be playing it safe in future.

“We had thought that, as the show raises money for charity and was actually founded by alternative comedians, perhaps people might attempt some kind of tolerance but apparently not.”

He went on: “As every fucker in the fucking country is now convinced that every single thing should be completely inoffensive to them personally, we will now just have upper middle class twerps spouting tired and bland routines that would put anybody with an IQ above that of a goldfish turd into a fucking coma.”

Over 150 complaints were received as a result of this year’s show, including several who were shocked by Bob Mortimer’s plastic phallus.

“I would have understood if the complaints were about how utterly shit it is, although I would still want to point out that it’s for fucking charity,” added Sir Vincent, “but offensive? These opinionated fuckweasels are probably the same fucking turds who went mad when we sacked Jimmy Hill for being a bit racist but their precious fucking sensibilities cannot handle a toy todger?

“Fuck ‘em; the bastards deserve Michael frigging McIntyre! Cunts!”