Deidre McDearie, voted Rochdale’s leading lady of the night eight years’ running, has challenged President Putin over his claims that Russia’s call girls are the best in the world.

“I dunno what criteria they’re using, love, but when it comes to keeping the customers satisfied, us Rochdale lasses take some beating. I mean, which of those Ivanettas can claim that she worked her way through the whole of FC Sparta Rochdale’s first team, including subs, in last Sunday’s Winterbottom Carpets East Lancs Division Three play off, as well as the ref, the trainers and Rocky Dale, the mascot? I’d have managed the away team if I’d had some help and if I didn’t have to babysit my Britney-Chardnay’s babby.”

Deirdre is determined to uphold the honour of her fellow working girls. “It’s not something we’re going to take lying down,” she added, “and definitely not from some jumped up commie from Bomsk or wherever. Honest, we’ve got our reputation to uphold. C’mon, Vlad, send us yer best tartskis and see how they stand up to t’firemen on Blue Watch after they’re chucked out of the Dog and Ferret of a Saturday night. We’ll even get yer some rubber sheets,” she cackled.

“Mmm, you’re a big one, aren’t yer?” she added.