The Russian Government has reacted angrily towards allegations that it was responsible for hacking UK news site The Rochdale Herald. The Herald, which is regularly voted ‘Rochdale’s Most Popular News Site With Herald In The Title’, was offline for several hours today after suffering a suspected cyberattack.
Herald editor, Quentin D Fortesqueue, told reporters that the site appeared to crash shortly after it ran a story about singer Susan Boyle and her intention to perform a ‘Dead Kennedys’ hit at Donald Trump’s inauguration.
“It was pretty bizarre,” said Fortesqueue. “Like most reputable news sources, we’re used to high volumes of traffic but this was something we’ve never seen before. Our brand of hard-hitting investigative journalism has ruffled feathers in the past, so I guess it was only a matter of time before we were targeted.
“I have to admit though, the thought that we may have been hacked by a foreign government for doing something naughty has got me harder than the Times crossword.”
Russian officials have denied reports that the hack was ordered by Vladimir Putin after he failed to identify the story as satire. A Kremlin insider has revealed that the Russian president was angry that the President-elect’s team had apparently ignored his request for Boyle to sing ‘Go West’ by the Pet Shop Boys.
“The President was furious. He did all that work to get that orange-faced dolböeb into power, you think the least they could do is play his favourite disco song,” said the source.
Predictably, Trump’s team rejected any suggestion that the Russian government had been trying to influence the inauguration line-up. They also denied claims that Boyle had been chosen specifically because she had been identified as the female artist least likely to have her genitals grabbed.
“The President-elect is getting pretty tired of these smear campaigns against the Russians,” said a Trump spokesman.
“Mr. Trump won the election fair and square, and no amount of investigation and sophisticated analysis by the Western world’s most powerful intelligence apparatus is going to change that.”
Trump’s team have been dogged by rumours that they are struggling to find acts to perform at the inauguration, which traditionally takes place on January 20th. Although yet to be confirmed, the headline acts are likely to be Kid Rock, ‘Chiffles’ the banjo-playing chimpanzee, and a Nickelback tribute act called ‘Nickelback-up’.
