Experts in worldwide trends are predicting that 2017 will reach terminal levels of warmth by mid-June.

Professor Thorfin Nerfstretcherrsson, Head of Rochdale Community University’s department of Genocide, has this to say on the subject,

“Well since the industrial revolution we have been gradually heating up and endangering our planet through pollution and profligate waste. But at the end of this year it looks like we shall be dispensing with the word ‘gradually’. Russia seems to be doing its utmost to set fire to the entire Middle East, making an already toasty warm region even warmer. Although it doesn’t look like there is much left to burn in Aleppo so it could take a while.”

“North Korea’s kids seem to be letting off fireworks into the neighbour’s gardens on a regular basis, so sooner or later the police will have to pay a visit.  The Chinese landlords won’t like that. They can get quite testy and a bit flamethrowery.”

“And of course the election of Satan’s Tango Man, Donald Trump, would most likely push the Earth’s temperature to something approximating the surface of the sun within a few months. Albeit very briefly, followed by a long period of winter temperatures everywhere. So it’s entirely possible that the Daily Express could be correct in a weather headline next year.”

But my impending vaporisation is fine, because I don’t want to live in a world where the Daily Express is right about anything.