Julian Assange has confirmed that he will be having a quiet Christmas at home this year.

In a telephone call Mr Assange told us, “It’s been a tiring year. In the summer I stood next to the balcony with the windows open and talked to a crowd of people so I’m pretty tired.

“Recently, I’ve been preparing my legal case. My camper van has now run up £1.5m in parking fines so I intend to get these stricken from the record as it’s not like I can go out and move it. The guards here can’t do it because I have a special steering lock that only recognises fingerprints and my security staff all wear gloves.”

We asked Mr Assange about what he’s been up to recently. “I like golf. I get dressed up in a Pringle tank top and plus fours, take out my putter and play in the office. I also like to simulate the weather by putting a cagoule on, turning the air conditioning right up and sitting in the shower. It’s just like it’s raining.

“On a Tuesday I like to get a smoke machine I bought from eBay, turn it on, put on women’s clothing, get a full length mirror and sit in front of it on a high stool. It’s like being on a date.

“Oh and I have the shopping delivered on a Wednesday. It’s so handy when your local supermarket is Harrods.”

Mr Assange also told us what he’d like for Christmas. “A garage for my trailer tent would be good. Or, some more golf clubs. I need to practice my driving technique. Failing that world peace and a bottle of Old Spice.”

The Rochdale Herald asked the Ecuadorian embassy staff what they would like for Christmas and they told us that they wanted their cloakroom back.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.